la.foodblogging

Note: Before blogging about a liquid oddity of a different sort last month, I called the respective pointperson to ask if the nicotine-laced beer was in fact legit and market-ready. Midway into the conversation I found myself agreeing to taste test a new enhanced drink called turn on: a passion potion. The spokesman said the drink was also going to be reviewed by Howard Stern and crew. How could any red-blooded L.A. woman resist?

I emailed Jonah, la.foodblogging’s publisher, to ask what he thought of doing a turn on group post (sounds randy, right?). He said he was game, as long as it was made clear to readers that the company sent us the cans, in exchange for a review. A week or two later six cans arrived, I dispensed a can to each willing participant, and we were ready to review. Many weeks later and here we are, five game la.foodbloggers, willing to risk life, limb, tastebuds and libidos, so you don’t have to.

WhyWeType writes:

Liveblogging my Turn On
After making several (very funny) jokes about how I was just going to pour this stuff down my shorts and let nature take it’s course, I waited for just the right moment to sit down with my wife, explain the writing assignment, pour the potion into a martini glass and leer at her from across the candlelight while she tried hopelessly to escape my reproductive drive.

Instead, it’s father’s day afternoon, Mom’s out swimming with our tot, and I’m in the darkness of our garage sitting at my desk preparing to intentionally drink alone a love/sex potion, the likes of which I could only dream about in fifth grade—no wait, make that yesterday.

Writing as we go: The can is decorated with erotic art, making my first reaction to the product complete and total male arousal–only intensified by the warning: “The beverage will arouse you.â€? Wow. That’s the same language I pay my friendly neighborhood dominatrix for!

The ingredients: Hmmm. Taurine, a bull extract—gross; Schizandra, believed to increase the amount of sexual fluids—gross, but still sort of hot; Guarna, believed to cure bowel disease—at last something really sexy; and some other unexamined “stimulant� with the arousing name of Glucuronolactone. Tell me you’re not turned on already, baby!

First sip: “Hey! It’s like a sparkling Red Bull!�

Second sip: “Gross! It’s like a sparkling Red Bull!� Visual: there’s residue on the top of the can. It’s strawberry red in color. Gross.

Sips three-through-five: Am feeling a desire from deep within my body. I must have mouthwash.

Sixth sip: It tastes like what I imagine pure red dye #2 must taste like.
Time to read other ingredients, to see that “artificial flavors� is on the list. Now it makes sense. What I’m tasting is the uncut test-tube flavorings of bubble gum #2, ancient Oriental “orange aspirin flaver�, and essence of treacle. Mystery solved.

Sip #10: I’m only HALF WAY THROUGH this TINY CAN? Oy vey.

Time to surf some pornography websites, just to make sure I’m not searing off my taste buds for no reason. Despite drinking half a can of TURN ON, sitting at my desk in the garage, loving naked girls this much makes me feel like the Shoebomber. Is it the drink, is it my upbringing, or is suburban-bred hame actually a good thing?

Gulp #1: Okay…NOW it’s getting truly disgusting. I’ve been waiting for it to get gross–there it is.

Guzzle#1: Thank God this is over. No new results to report. Now we play, “the waiting game…â€?

Half-hour later: I’m really self-conscious about whether or not I’m horny. In other words, it’s just another day of being me.

One Hour later: Low-grade heartburn has struck. Is it the increase of fluids in my body? Gross.

Ninety minutes later: I’m grilling swordfish for a father’s day dinner. The power of a suburban lifestyle appears to be overtaking the power of Glucuronolactone. But I am trying very hard to see if this stuff is coursing through my system, but I’m not exactly a twenty-year old on the dance floor. I think back to the Swedish AFS student I took to see The Empire Strikes Back (yeah, the first time). All I’m really remembering about her now, is how at our high-school reunion, she looked at me like I was a child molester who just farted.

Two hours later: Grilled swordfish, corn and greens made a great father’s day dinner. The ladies gave me a box of 70s retro candy, which I’ll probably type about later. Our daughter’s asleep and we’re negotiating dish-doing. There has been no leering, no rear-pinching, no naked embracing as depicted on the can. I think I’ll go back to home-made Manhattans, the drink that got me married in the first place.

Disclaimer: The author is an irresistibly hot sex magnet, even without the aid of a foul-tasting potion in a softcore label. Any amount of luckiness the author encounters henceforth is merely the harvest of a life-well lived, museum-worthy DNA, and pheromones as potent Friday’s paycheck.

Jonah writes:

Where’s the boost?

Packaging: Conforms to the mini-can standard which is the international symbol for energy drink. The label was pretty low budget, although the warning for pregnant women and diabetics added an air of danger to the sampling.

Appearance: After opening the can, a bit of the drink foamed out. Its electric pink coloring reminded me of a volcano from a grade school science fair. Either that, or liquified cotton candy.

Taste: Overwhelmingly sweet. There is definitely a similar taste to Red Bull, but with even more sugary kick. The carbonation is subtle and makes the drink taste more foamy than fizzy. It was so sweet that I couldn’t finish the whole can.

Effect: Perhaps it was because I couldn’t finish all of the drink, but I didn’t get the “turn on” boost. According to their website:

Q: What should I feel after drinking TURN ON?
A: Everyone is different, but most people claim that they have a nice tingling sensation, a feeling of warmth and sensuality, as well as an incredible boost in sexual energy. You will have a better feeling physically and psychologically and be more sensitive and more ready for sex. And, your sexual feelings will be more intense.”

I was sufficiently sugared and caffinated, but that was the extent of my alteration. I didn’t feel more sensitive.

Conclusion: A novelty drink for sure, but there is certainly a marketing angle. I can’t see seriously handing this to your date without her suspecting that there is something sneaky going on.

SoCalorie writes:

Phoblographing my Turn On at Lucha Va Voom
No words can describe the feelings I experienced after drinking a can of Turn On. I pounded one back then headed downtown to catch Lucha Va Voom at the Mayan. The heady, sensual throbbings I felt are really best depicted in a series of photos starring Rocky Roulette. The sexiest stripper alive came out onstage at the end of the show dressed like a fat glistening space rocket. Rocky stripped down to an astronaut outfit, then down to his g-string and Converse, all while hopping on a pogo stick and wearing a bad wig. Note: Click for maximum flavor.

cybele writes:

Dog Dye Afternoon
Well, let’s start with my prejudices. This might reveal that I’m not the best person to be tasting this stuff. First, I don’t like sweet drinks. In fact, as far as drinks go, my life is limited to 85% water, 10% coffee, 3% alcohol and 2% hot chocolate. I don’t drink sweet drinks at all, unless you count a couple of gin & tonics in the summer sweet and I usually make my hot chocolate from scratch and that usually has very little sugar in it. Sodas are not part of my life. Second, I don’t like red flavored things. I know, it’s a weird thing. I think it goes back to the red dye number two scare back in the seventies. Red things are poison. I don’t like cherry or strawberry flavored things, though the real fruit is pretty good.

Now that all that is out of the way:
This is red, foamy poison. The color is vibrant, and the fizz is good, with a nice pink bubbly head that dissipates quickly. The drink smells of a chemical similar to strawberry flavoring. The taste is tart and sweet with a hint of said strawberry or some other berry flavor, maybe a little maraschino or fruit punch thrown in. There’s a very definite bitter aftertaste … that starts during the actual taste. But then again, people aren’t drinking this for the taste are they? It’s all about the way it makes you feel … I had about half the can and then went out in the yard and weeded. My dog was with me, whom I always love but felt no different about. It did not make me feel better about weeds.

I felt no different, though later on I had to pee … maybe I had to pee a little quicker than I usually do after having something to drink. Perhaps someone’s confused the word aphrodesiac with diuretic. Or maybe some people get turned on by needing to urinate.

Gabebc:

More thrilling than Sierra Mist
I am generally skeptical when it comes to aphrodisiacs. I’ve tried oysters and chocolates, caviar and strawberries, octopus ink, edible flowers, “Spanish fly…” I’ve even tried “horny goat weed” vitamin tablets, and none of these things have ever made me the least bit randy. So when I was given this “Turn On” love drink from Austria, let’s just say I was a tad bit hesitant to believe in an energy drink that supposedly makes you “Romantically stimulated.” The first thing I noticed upon examining the black prototype can is a warning that reads: “not recommended for children or pregnant women.” I took this to be a good sign, ’cause let’s be honest, the best things in this world are not recommended for children or pregnant women. From roller coasters to alchohol, cigarettes to rock concerts, it feels good to do dangerous and wild things. This beverage has red warnings of danger labled all over its little aluminum shell. I was in for a wild time.

As a big drinker of Red Bull (I once purchased and consumed roughly 300 cans over a semester in college) I am no stranger to the energy drink world. However, upon cracking open the tiny hornball beverage I noticed a more pungent berry scent. I took a sip and the crackling carbonated red liquid swished around my mouth tinting my lips red and making my teeth and gums feel all fuzzy and warm! I gave a couple sips to my lady friend who despises energy drinks and she actually liked the taste. Score 1 for the Turn On!

After downing the rest of the red bubbly I noticed a strange feeling sweeping over me. My forehead and face became flush and I felt a distinctive desire to watch any film featuring Scarlett Johansson. Instead, I decided to check the caffeine content on the can which is strangely not listed! Niacin, at 100% of your daily value is listed on the back of the can, so I decided to do a little online research on this wonderful vitamin! One of the effects of Niacin apparently is a “prickly flushness of the neck, face, chest and arms.” It also increases blood flow to your um…special regions. So that’s what this feeling is. Suddenly I felt like Charlie Sheen on an all night bender in the Grotto at the Playboy mansion. Sweat poured from my brow, my face was flush and I frantically called over my lady friend purely to finish off the scientific research.

Seriously, how often do you get aroused by Sierra Mist? Turn On, on the other hand, definitely makes you sweat. It definitely makes you ready to do something, whether that is rob a convenience store, or make sweet love in the middle of an abandoned road. Who knows if all the effects I felt were products of the drink, or merely psychosomatic associations I wanted to have with such a sexy little energy beverage….but frankly I don’t care. Turn on turned something in me on. It gave me a great excuse to kick back, turn on some 70’s pysch rock and get my groove on.